


but what happens if i break?

by peachywoo



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Makeup artist Wooseok, Mental Health Issues, Producer Seungyoun, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22951387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachywoo/pseuds/peachywoo
Summary: Wooseok was having a hard time being happy, he was having a hard time doing normal tasks, and the most surprising thing was, he was having a hard time enjoying being with Seungyoun.Or, Wooseok starts breaking apart, and Seungyoun doesn't notice.
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 107





	but what happens if i break?

**Author's Note:**

> Commission for @heocarons on Twitter!  
> If you're interested in a commission from me, [here's the post.](https://twitter.com/ourvicton/status/1227748201245134848) hit me up in my dms on[ @ourvicton](https://twitter.com/ourvicton) <3

They met 3 years ago, as friends, as coworkers. Working on the same entertainment company they ended up spending a lot of time together, and became friends easily, mostly with Seungyoun's insistence.

Back then Wooseok had just landed his first job as a makeup artist, the new environment was quite the challenge for him, so he was thankful that Seungyoun, a producer that had been there for a little longer than Wooseok, approached him first, a friendly smile on his face. He later learned he always had that smile on, being nice to all the people that worked there.

That friendly nature of his was what made them become so close, he was usually the quiet type, but with Seungyoun he couldn’t help but try to match him with his antics and loudness. Emphasis on try. 

Seungyoun introduced him to his friends. 

Yohan was a 16-year-old boy that had been training on the company since he was 14, he had a cute smile and was always trailing behind Seungyoun, it was endearing to see the boy’s smile whenever Seungyoun offered to teach him about music production and how to work his way around the programs. Behind Yohan always came Hangyul, who entered the company a year later than him. He looked older but turns out he was the same age as Yohan, just a little more mature looking. Well, in terms of looks, because personality-wise it was the opposite.

Then there was Seungwoo. Seungwoo was older than all of them, two years older than Wooseok, he had been there the longest, working as a producer, composer and vocal coach for some of the kids. He liked to keep to himself but always received them in his studio with a warm smile. Seungyoun had told him about Seungwoo always being there for him, helping him through difficulties. It was nice to know he had someone like that in his life.

All of them were nice to him, and he felt like he belonged.

But Seungyoun was the one who made him feel at home.

  
  


* * *

  
  


He started noticing his feelings three months into working there.

He didn’t know if it was right to feel that way, Seungyoun was only being nice to him like he was to everyone else. It felt wrong to make it out to be something else instead of just accepting his kindness and his friendship, and Wooseok didn’t know if Seungyoun even liked dudes.

It was too messy for him, he wasn’t sure how to deal with having a real crush on another man. He knew he was gay, he liked boys since he became aware that he could experience attraction towards other people (puberty), but this felt different. He was not a teen fantasizing about the seniors on the school's football team, he was an adult with a crush on another kind, amazing and beautiful man.

So, he decided to ignore what he was feeling. 

That worked well for a while, for a little over half a year after his realization, until he started noticing Seungyoun’s change in attitude. 

In the months working there, they became really close, as close as Seungyoun greeting him with a hug every day, Seungyoun having lunch with him every day, Seungyoun inviting him to hang out at his studio whenever Wooseok had free time, passing by the makeup & styling area to bother him every day… But then he stopped. 

Well, not completely, but he started avoiding him most of the day. Wooseok noticed this and wondered why he was acting that way.

He thought that maybe Seungyoun found out about Wooseok’s feelings and decided to keep his distance from him, and even if that made him sad he understood. Being gay wasn’t a concept that was totally welcomed yet, so it made sense. It did.

So one day, while he was doing Yohan’s makeup for a test photoshoot, the younger boy shot him a question.

“What’s wrong with you today, Hyung?” Wooseok’s brush stopped midway in the air. He tilted his head.

“What do you mean?” he asked. Yohan frowned. 

“Well, you have been acting weird today,” he explained.

From the couch behind them, Hangyul added, “Not just today, but for the last couple of weeks,” Wooseok sighed, “And I think I know what’s going on, but well, you must know too, so I won’t say anything,” he finished, smirking. Wooseok’s mouth twitched.

“What? Explain!” asked Yohan, turning around quickly. Wooseok grabbed him from the cheeks and turned him towards him again.

“There’s no need to explain anything,” he grunted, continuing to apply eyeshadow on Yohan, but Hangyul smiled big and opened his mouth.

“Well, you see, Yohanie,” he started, “Haven’t you noticed something off?” he asked.

“I’ve already said that Wooseok Hyung has been acting weird,” said Yohan with a pout, eyes closed as Wooseok worked on his face. 

“But think about it Yohan, haven’t you seen a certain person having lunch, alone, on his studio for a while now?” he said. Wooseok poked Yohan in the eyes.

“Ow! What was that for?” he whined.

“Hangyul, if you don’t shut up,” he warned. 

“Why am I getting hurt on behalf of Hangyul? I didn’t do anything!” Yohan protested. Wooseok ignored him.

“I’m just saying, it’s time to connect the dots,” said Hangyul. Yohan looked at Wooseok arching an eyebrow, it seemed like his brain was slowly processing the information and then he gasped.

“Did you have a fight with Seungyoun Hyung?” Wooseok shook his head and sighed.

“No, I didn’t,” he said. And that was the truth. They never fought.

“Then? What happened?” 

“I don’t know, Yohan. I guess he got tired of me,” at that, Hangyul snorted.

“You’re both incredibly stupid, wow,” he said. Wooseok reacted quickly and threw his brush at him, hitting him directly on the forehead.

“Nice shot!” said Yohan, smiling widely.

“You shut up,” he said, “And you,” he pointed at Hangyul, who was rubbing his forehead with a pained expression, “Call me stupid again and I will ruin all your future makeup looks, let’s see how that goes for you.”

“Sorry!” said Hangyul, “It’s just painful to see,” he explained, “Because there is no way in hell that Seungyoun Hyung would get tired of you,” hearing this, Wooseok blushed. He didn’t understand what he was insinuating.

“What are you talking about,” he asked, putting his brush down and focusing entirely on what Hangyul had to say.

“Hyung, I can get murdered if say too much,” said Hangyul. 

“No one is going to kill you, don’t be dramatic now.”

“You already attempted murder on me!” he protested. Wooseok rolled his eyes.

“Spit it out or I will attempt it again,” he warned. Hangyul sighed.

“When Seungyoun Hyung tries to choke me to death, please protect me,” he said.

“As if this twink can protect you,” said Yohan. Wooseok slapped him in the back of his head.

“Please proceed,” he said. Hangyul seemed to consider it for a few moments and then shrugged.

“Okay, fuck it, we’re suffering as it is,” Yohan nodded, he could see a tear in the corner of his eye, “So, please know that I’m telling you this only because I realized you clearly have feelings for Seungyoun Hyung,” as he heard this, Wooseok stilled, “But don’t worry, I know you might’ve thought we would judge you or something like that, but we couldn’t care less. We support you!” said Hangyul, “Right Yohan?”

“You like Seungyoun Hyung?” he blurted out instead.

“Yohan. Just tell him you support him.”

“I do! I do!” he quickly said, “But I didn’t know this, what the hell, why do people always keep things away from me?”

“Hangyul, please continue or I’m going to have a heart attack,” said Wooseok, standing still.

“Ah, yes, sorry,” he smiled, “Story short: Seungyoun Hyung developed a big heart boner for you,” said Hangyul, Wooseok gasped for the second time that day, he could tell how funny his face looked, eyes almost bulging out of their sockets.

“Huh?”

“He likes you,” explained Hangyul.

“Yeah, I fucking got that,” he said, “I need to sit down,” he said, looking at Yohan. The other boy zoomed out of the chair and Wooseok plopped down on it. 

It was a lot to process. He couldn’t imagine Seungyoun, the most straight looking dude he had ever seen, liking him back. It made zero sense to him, he would’ve never imagined any of his crushes liking him back, even less so the person he had liked the most in life. He was ready for heartbreak, fuck, he thought he was already in that phase after Seungyoun started ignoring him. 

“Wait,” he said, suddenly, “Then why the fuck did he start ignoring me?” he asked. Hangyul smiled.

“Because he is stupid,” he explained. Wooseok nodded. Yeah, that made sense. Seungyoun was kind of stupid.

He was stupid and endearing, very endearing. And sweet. And caring. And attractive as hell. Why the fuck did he like Wooseok?

“Why the fuck does he like me?” he asked to no one in particular.

“I think you’re very pretty,” said Yohan, smiling at him. He seemed to be blushing too. Hangyul gagged.

“Please get together so Yohan can get over his crush on you,” said Hangyul. Yohan screamed and jumped him. 

So, after that, Wooseok decided to confront Seungyoun. 

And he did. When he finished all the daily tasks he went to Seungyoun’s studio, entered without knocking, spun him around on his little nerd chair, and bluntly asked him “Do you like me?”

After Seungyoun finished choking, he awkwardly laughed “What do you mean Wooseokie?”

“Don’t act stupid, just tell me if you like me, because I’m not going to wait for you and endure your immature ass ignoring me because you caught feelings, you hear me?” he said, his finger hitting Seungyoun on the chest, “Because I like you, and if you like me but can’t face it then this is not going to work for either of us.”

Seungyoun stayed quiet for a few moments, and then let out a weird choked up sound. Wooseok reconsidered his feelings. 

“You like me?” he asked. Wooseok rolled his eyes and smiled.

“Yeah, I do, got a problem with that?”

“Absolutely not, not a single problem, that’s magnificent,” said Seungyoun, smiling, “Such is the coincidence that I fancy you too,” he said. Wooseok bit his lip.

“You’re such a dumbass,” he said. Seungyoun only smiled bigger and brighter.

“So, can we kiss now?” he asked. Wooseok pretended to think about it. He leaned towards Seungyoun and whispered.

“No,” he pulled away and walked towards the door, “Take me out on a date first, I won’t kiss you just because you like me,” he said, and with a wink, he left. On his way out, he thought about Seungyouns dumfounded face and blushed.

And Seungyoun took him out on a date. On many dates, actually.

Wooseok kissed him after their 1st date and they made it official after their 3rd date. 

Their first months together felt like bliss, Wooseok couldn’t believe he was actually dating the person he had been crushing on for months. It wasn’t perfect, but he didn’t expect it to be. Anyhow, he was happy. The happiest Wooseok had been since he discovered he was gay if he was honest.

But, of course, at one point he started to feel insecure. 

A year in, as they met more people and made new friends, he felt a little scared of the reactions, of what people would say. He had always feared rejection, even if he tried to cover it up with fake confidence, he was just human.

But after things went smoothly, he doesn’t know how, but he was grateful.

So he pushed the doubts and fears to the back of his mind and kept living, happily.

He was happy.

Until suddenly, he wasn’t anymore.

Two years into their relationship, things weren’t as great as when they started dating.

He didn’t know when and how it started, but he started noticing little changes in his mood. 

He was having a hard time being happy, he was having a hard time doing normal tasks, and the most surprising thing was, he was having a hard time enjoying being with Seungyoun.

They didn’t fight, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was not knowing what was wrong with him. He didn’t want to think about it too much, he was always good at ignoring his insecurities and fears, so he wasn’t going to start minding them now when he was finally in a happy stable relationship.

 _‘Happy?’_ asked his conscience. Wooseok frowned. Was he though?

But why wouldn’t he be? He had a wonderful boyfriend. Seungyoun treated him nothing short of amazing. He had a great job. He had incredible friends. How could anything be wrong? How could he be unhappy if things were so good in his life?

Why would he be unhappy?

He couldn’t be. It would be so fucking stupid of him to be ungrateful for the life he had. To act like a privileged dumbass that couldn’t appreciate having a good life.

He mentally cursed at himself. 

Back to reality, he grabbed his phone from the bedside table and texted Seungyoun goodnight. He was not going to let his mind win over him, _he was okay._

  
  


* * *

  
  


Seungyoun was happy. He was the happiest man on earth, truly. He was dating the love of his life. He got to hold hands and _kiss_ the most beautiful man on earth. It was wonderful.

He knew how much of dumbass he appeared as, so he really thought about how lucky he was to have someone as cool as Wooseok dating him. Being his boyfriend.

He was so in love it pained him sometimes, it made his chest _sting_. 

He and Wooseok had been going for a strong two years, two of the happiest years of Seungyoun’s life.

When he first realized he liked Wooseok he didn’t think about it too much. As in, until then he had thought he was straight, but Wooseok came in and proved him wrong. And that was chill.

What wasn’t chill was liking Wooseok. He was way out of Seungyoun’s league, and there was also the fact that Wooseok was probably straight.

Hangyul had told him that a male makeup artist couldn’t be straight. Seungyoun had swatted him on the back and kicked him out of his studio because those are stereotypes and he won’t condone them, dammit!

But he did have a point though, knowing how stingy straight dudes would be about working in jobs made for “women” only there was a high possibility that Wooseok could, in fact, be gay. Or bi.

But he wasn’t going to try his luck, instead, he was going to ignore Wooseok and write sad songs about pretty boys (hidden behind straight lyrics, of course, he didn’t want to lose his job for now.)

And as luck would have it, he didn’t need to write sad songs about pretty boys, but instead he could write happy songs about pretty boys. What a life.

He thought they had an amazing relationship. They communicated a lot, they talked about their days, they still went on dates weekly, it was all fine.

So, that’s why when Wooseok started acting weird, it came as a surprise.

Maybe Wooseok didn’t notice, but he was not the same as always. 

It started with small things. Like Wooseok getting lost in thoughts when Seungyoun was telling him a story, but that was normal, people can have a lot in their mind.

He did it a lot though, many times a day. 

But Seungyoun ignored it because he wasn’t going to be selfish and bug Wooseok because he didn’t give him his attention 100%.

Then, it started to worry Seungyoun. 

Wooseok would ignore him all day and only say goodbye. He would tell him he was too busy, and that could be true, so Seungyoun understood.

Then it was refusing to hang out more than once a week, and Wooseok would tell him he was tired from work, that he needed to sleep more these days because of comeback preparations and schedules the company assigned him. And Seungyoun understood.

Then we would snap at Seungyoun out of nowhere. He would say things and regret them, he would tell Seungyoun that he was sorry, that he didn’t mean it. And Seungyoun believed him, Seungyoun forgave him. He didn’t think it was too big of a deal, he seemed stressed from work. It was okay. But it worried him.

It worried him, even more, when Wooseok started to ignore his texts. He would go for two days without replying, sometimes three. Seungyoun would try to catch him at the end of his shift only to find out he had already left. 

So, he started to wonder. Did he do something wrong? Did he somehow fuck up their relationship? Was Wooseok afraid of confronting him?

He was being pushed away, and there was only so much he could take. 

So, that brought him here, in front of Wooseok’s door, about to knock. He asked himself if it was wrong of him to do this, but then again, before this whole change in attitude started it was never wrong for him to visit his boyfriend without asking. 

He knocked. 

He waited for a few moments until he heard some steps and the door opened. He was met with a Wooseok he had never seen before. A very dull one. It seemed like he was drained of all energy. Wooseok looked at him, clearly surprised to see him there.

“Seungyoun?” he said, “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

Seungyoun awkwardly laughed, “Well, I texted you today, but you didn’t reply or see it, so I decided to come over.”

 _“Oh,”_ he said, looking down, he stepped away from the door, “Well, come inside,” he said. Seungyoun did and closed the door behind him. 

As he entered, he took a look around the place, and he was a little surprised. The place looked messy, well, messier than usual. It was never immaculate as Wooseok didn’t spend much time at home, but this was worse than just a _“Didn’t have the time to clean up today”_ kind of thing. It seemed to be something that had been happening for longer. He looked at Wooseok and saw the other boy biting his lips.

“Sorry it’s so messy, I didn’t have time to clean up,” he said. Seungyoun internally sighed. Well, trusting Wooseok was all he could do, “So, why are you here?”

The question wasn’t asked in a harsh tone, but it still stung. He didn’t know why.

“Well, I wanted to see you, babe,” he said, smiling. Wooseok smiled too, yet it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Here I am,” He said, opening his arms. Seungyoun thought to himself, _‘are you really?’_

He couldn’t lie to Wooseok. He couldn’t keep hiding his worries. So he gathered courage and decided to speak.

“Actually, it’s more than just wanting to see you,” he said, making the other frown, “I wanted to talk to you for a bit.”

Wooseok tilted his head “About?”

“Why have you been ignoring me?” he asked. Wooseok giggled, and that made Seungyoun’s chest tighten.

“Ignoring you? What do you mean ignoring you?” Wooseok asked this with a smile, and it didn’t sit well with Seungyoun, but he tried to keep his emotions at bay.

“At least that’s what it feels like,” he said, playing with the end of his hoodie, “We barely hang out anymore, we haven’t gone on a date in weeks, and you have also been ignoring my texts? I’m just a bit worried about you,” he said, then added, “Well, and also worried about us.” 

“Worried about me? About us?” asked the other, his voice sounding strange, different, he couldn’t read his face at that moment, it seemed like he pulled a curtain over his emotions and wasn’t letting anyone see, “Are you doubting our relationship, Seungyoun?” 

Seungyoun shook his head, confused, “What?” he asked, “Not at all, Seok, I just wondered if you’re okay.”

“It seems to me like you aren’t satisfied with what we have, am I wrong?” asked Wooseok, snorting.

“That’s not what I mean, Seokie,” he said, stepping closer to Wooseok. The other raised an eyebrow, “I’m worried because you haven’t been yourself,” he said. The other nodded and rolled his eyes. Seungyoun was starting to get anxious. This wasn’t going as planned.

“I see,” he said, “So?” 

“Huh?”

“So? What’s the problem with that?” asked Wooseok. Seungyoun tried to reply but was left speechless. What could he say?

Wooseok snorted again, “I see this as you being unhappy with me because I’m not giving you all the attention in the world,” he said, “That’s kind of selfish of you, Seungyoun.”

At that, Seungyoun frowned. No, this wasn’t right. Seungyoun was not an idiot. He might be absolutely whipped for Wooseok, but he was not stupid, he knew he wasn’t wrong for this one. He was not in the wrong, and he was not going to let Wooseok turn this around on him.

“No, it’s not,” he said, “It’s not fucking selfish of me to want to hang out with my boyfriend, Wooseok,” Wooseok raised his eyebrows at him, he could see him tightening his fists.

“I just want to be left alone for a fucking second, Seungyoun!” he raised his voice, Seungyoun was a little startled, but he was not going to back away.

“Yeah? Do you want to be left alone, Wooseok?” he said, “Well, that fucking makes sense, doesn’t it?” he asked. Wooseok frowned, “Because you have been acting like you don’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore anyway, I guess it really is what you want, isn’t it,” he asked, without thinking much about it.

“Oh, so finally you come to your senses, don’t you?” asked Wooseok, laughing.

“What?”

“Are you tired of your little experiment already?” he asked, smiling at him. It was not sweet at all, it was cynical. He looked nothing like himself.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, fearing the answer.

And fear he should, because then Wooseok opened his mouth, “You know, me, being your little experiment,” he said, “Dating the gay dude just for fun until you realized it wasn’t for you anymore,” he laughed, “It was obvious, Seungyoun, you never wanted to date me, you just wanted to experiment,” Seungyoun felt like every word that left Wooseok’s mouth stabbed him right across the chest, every word hit like a bullet.

“What the fuck are you on about? An experiment? Am I a joke to you?” he asked.

“No, I am the fucking joke, Seungyoun,” he said, he didn’t seem to be fazed by what he was saying, “Did I live up to the fantasy?” 

Seungyoun snorted, not knowing how else to react, he wasn’t sure what to think. Maybe Wooseok was doing this on purpose? Maybe he was lying to him to push him away? “Are you doing this to push me away?” he asked, grabbing one of Wooseok’s hands tightly, “Please, Seokie, don’t play like this, we can fix this,” he realized how desperate he sounded. Wooseok’s cold demeanor seemed to falter at that, but that vulnerability went away as fast as it came.

“Seungyoun, I’m not joking,” he said, “Are you that pathetic to believe I would joke like this?” he asked, his gaze cold enough to send a chill down Seungyoun’s spine, “I know you were just playing around with me.”

“Are you insane?” he asked, grabbing Wooseok by his shoulders, “Do you think that low of me?” Wooseok pushed him away.

“No, you thought that low of me,” he said, “You don’t love me, Seungyoun, come to your senses, you have only been using me until you found a nice girl to date and marry,” he said. Seungyoun’s knees were shaking, “But it seems the fantasy has come to an end before the girl, or maybe not? Maybe that’s why you’re bugging me about not being ‘myself’, right?” he asked.

Seungyoun ran a hand over his face, trying to process everything that was being said, but he couldn’t stand this, this was overstepping many lines, it was hurting Seungyoun to an extent he couldn’t handle, “You think I’m such a fucking asshole, Wooseok?” he said, not waiting for a reply, “Don’t you have at least a bit of respect for me and my feelings?”

“What feelings? You don’t have any for me,” he said with a smile.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Wooseok?” he was screaming now, he could hear himself, “You’re so,” he couldn’t find the right words, “This is over. What the fuck is wrong with you I swear, you can’t just invalidate my feelings and my sexuality just like this,” he said.

“Yeah? It bothers you that much?” asked the other, raising his voice again, “then great! You don’t have to see me again! Just fucking leave me alone, as you said, this is over, Seungyoun, so go!” he said, and to break Seungyoun’s heart a little further he added, “You never loved me! I never felt it, so just leave!”

“You’re sick, Wooseok. I’m leaving.”

And he did, without another word, he turned around and left. 

Left for good.

* * *

  
  
  


Wooseok knew what he did was wrong. And the regret came as soon as Seungyoun closed the door.

But what could he do? He said what he said, he fucked it all up on purpose. Why? He didn’t know why. He felt like it was right. Something came over him and made him act up. 

He told himself it was better that way. It was better being alone. Better because he was not enough for Seungyoun, and the other one wouldn’t leave him if he didn’t give him a reason to.

He felt empty after, though. But he had been feeling empty for months now, so what was the difference? It wasn’t Seungyoun’s fault. And Seungyoun didn’t deserve to be with someone that was broken like him. 

Imagine dating a weirdo that doesn’t feel happy being around you? That doesn’t feel happy having his dream job? That doesn’t feel happy having loving friends?

He couldn’t do that to Seungyoun. He just couldn’t.

And if he told Seungyoun that he hasn’t happy anymore, the other would blame himself. 

He had decided to act like an asshole the moment Seungyoun asked if he was okay because he couldn’t tell him the truth. 

It made sense in Wooseok’s head, he deserved to be hated by Seungyoun. He did.

And now Seungyoun hated him. It made him feel like shit. He was even more worthless than before because now he didn’t even have someone that loved him unconditionally. 

It was what he deserved. 

He couldn’t lose his job though, because if he did he was going to make things harder for his mom. She worried a lot about him, so he needed to continue for her. 

He was okay. It was better this way. 

He was going to keep working, keep his routine. Nothing needed to change.

_He was okay._

  
  


* * *

  
  


He realized something wasn’t right with him when he snapped at the boys on a photoshoot. 

He already hated himself for what he did to Seungyoun because even if he did it for the best, he still hurt him. But he didn’t want to keep hurting people.

He was in the studio doing Hangyul’s makeup and Yohan was jamming to music next to them when he had asked him if he was alright because he seemed a bit down lately. It was nothing too invasive, nothing out of ordinary, just Yohan caring for Wooseok.

But, of course, Wooseok’s mind didn’t process it that way, instead, the question gave him flashbacks to when he and Seungyoun fought, and that triggered something out of him. So he yelled at Yohan to fuck off and stop bothering him. 

Everyone went silent after that. Hangyul glared at him. Wooseok felt like shit.

He left earlier that day.

At home, he decided to think about what was going on with him.

He had been trying not to think for years. It had been going great for him, really. He had only been hurting himself, though. But now he was hurting others.

Telling himself that he had only snapped once and wasn’t going to do it anymore was not going to cut it, though, it felt like a lie, it felt wrong. 

He needed to gather his thoughts, he couldn’t take it too far. He had enough conscience to admit that much.

When did things start to go south? When did he start feeling this way?

He wasn’t like this before, he wasn’t this miserable. He had noticed he changed, but what led to this?

Maybe he needed to ask someone for help, but the person he trusted the most was pushed away by Wooseok himself.

He sighed. 

He could never ask Seungyoun for help, it was not right. Imagine insulting someone as much as he did and asking for their help two weeks later as if nothing happened. 

He sat down on his bed, looked around his room… And broke down crying.

What the hell was wrong with him? What was it? Why couldn’t he understand? 

_Why? Why? Why?_

The next day, he called in sick and asked for a week off. 

* * *

  
  
  


Wooseok laid in bed, three days had passed. Or was it four? He couldn’t remember well.

His phone was turned off when he grabbed it, the battery dead. He sighed and sat up.

As always, his first thought of the day was Seungyoun. He wondered if he was okay, if he was moving on from Wooseok as he should. If he hated Wooseok (he hoped he did, even if the thought hurt him), or if he had been relieved to get rid of Wooseok. Maybe he was. 

These days his thoughts were getting a lot cloudier than before. He wasn’t completely certain of what he felt, nothing felt a hundred percent real, was he really okay? Was he really not? Was he exaggerating his feelings? Was he not? 

He felt dizzy.

Maybe because he hadn’t eaten since his breakfast on the previous day. 

He thought about what he said to Seungyoun that day. Not everything was a lie, and that made it worse. He did feel insecure about Seungyoun’s feelings sometimes, maybe because they had never talked about sexualities, they just went with it. Wooseok was always afraid to ask and get an answer he didn’t want to hear, because before they got together Seungyoun had told him about his past girlfriends, and never mentioned boys. He was afraid, but that didn’t make it okay for him to say what he said.

He now realized how bad it had sounded. Even if his goal was to hurt Seungyoun, he did worse than just hurt him. 

He was scum.

But it was better this way, he reminded himself. Seungyoun was better without Wooseok.

Wooseok wasn’t better without Seungyoun, but that’s how it was supposed to be.

He didn’t have the energy to get up, so he stayed in bed, lost in his thoughts.

And they slowly consumed him.

Hours later, there were loud knocks on his front door. For a second he hoped it was Seungyoun, but he snapped back to reality. Why would Seungyoun go see him after everything that happened? 

He got up and opened the door and to his surprise, and slight disappointment, it was Seungwoo.

“Seungwoo Hyung?” he asked, “What are you doing here?”

Seungwoo smiled at him, “Can I come in?” Wooseok felt a little ashamed to let him in, he knew his place looked trashed, but he couldn’t say no to him, he was over being an asshole to people. So he let Seungwoo in with an apology about the mess and told him to sit down. 

“Do you want anything to drink?” he offered.

Seungwoo smiled, again, and Wooseok felt undeserving of any kindness, “No, thank you, I just came to talk for a bit,” he said. He had heard that one before. 

He sat next to Seungwoo, “About?”

Seungwoo’s smile faltered, Wooseok felt like he knew where the conversation was going, “I’m not your biggest fan right now, Wooseok, but I feel as if you’re not doing okay,” he said, Wooseok understood that part, “So I came to check on you,” Wooseok nodded. 

“I see,” he toyed with his hands, “I’m feeling a bit sick, I got a week off for that reason, so once I get better I’m going back to work, so don’t worry,” he smiled at Seungwoo. The other shook his head.

“That’s not what I mean, Wooseok,” he said, and Wooseok had figured as much but wanted to try and avoid confrontation, “I know what you did to Seungyoun,” he said, Wooseok’s chest tightened, “But I also know you’re having a rough time lately, the boys have talked to me,” Of course they did, “They didn’t want to overstep any boundaries with you, but I’m not afraid of confronting you, you know?” he said, smiling at him again, “So please, talk to me, because I’m not leaving until you do.”

He sounded so decided Wooseok felt cornered. Wasn’t this what he wanted? Didn’t he wonder where to ask for help? And then help came knocking on his door.

He sighed and choked up his next words “I’m not okay,” he confessed, Seungwoo grabbed his hand, “I don’t know how to stop this,” he said.

“Stop what?” asked Seungwoo.

“The emptiness,” he said, and looked down. He felt ashamed to say it out loud. He felt pathetic.

“Oh, Wooseok,” said Seungwoo, his voice as gentle as ever, “For how long?” he didn’t have to elaborate, he knew what he meant.

“Almost a year probably,” Wooseok thought that maybe it could be longer. He didn’t look up, but Seungwoo squeezed his hand a bit tighter.

“Why didn’t you tell Seungyoun?” he asked. Wooseok winced at the mention of his name, he wanted to hide.

“I- uh,” he coughed, “I don’t know?” he said, uncertain, “It felt wrong to put an unwanted burden on Seungyoun,” Seungwoo sighed, “I knew it was a problem for me to deal with,” And it was, it was only his to deal with. 

“Then why did you push him away?” he asked, and fuck, he didn’t beat around the bush did he.

“I’m a shitty person I guess,” he said, looking up with a smile, “I’m flawed, Seungyoun doesn’t deserve me, he deserved someone that is complete,” Seungwoo made a chocked up noise at that, Wooseok felt bad but continued, wanting to make his point clear, “I needed him to hate me as much as I hate myself,” he confessed, to himself and Seungwoo. His eyes started to sting, “If I need to get better is for other people, I can’t go around hurting others, I need to be left alone but I also need to act like a normal human being. But I don’t know what to do,” he said. He licked lips and they tasted salty. Huh, he was crying. Poor Seungwoo, that had to be awkward for him.

“Wooseok, have you considered going to therapy?” asked the older man. _Therapy?_

He had never thought about it, really. Until then, he had never thought something was wrong with him, but maybe he could use professional help to fix his temper problem, so he could keep working without being a menace to other people.

“I hadn’t, no,” he said, “Maybe I could do that,” Seungwoo smiled, “I swear I just need to get my shit together to stop snapping at people, I don’t want to yell at the boys anymore,” he said, looking down again. 

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” started Seungwoo, “But you need to work on more than that, Wooseok, please.”

Wooseok shook his head, “What do you mean?”

“What you feel isn’t… normal. You said you’re flawed. That you aren’t complete,” he explained. Wooseok sighed.

“I know it’s not normal, but I can’t help that, Hyung,” he tried to make Seungwoo understand, “Don’t you get it?”

“Wooseokie,” he said, softly. Wooseok’s felt sick in the stomach, “If you’re going to ask for help, you have to be more open,” he continued, “And that means admitting your problems and being willing to accept help,” he seemed to consider his next words, “If you want, I can go to therapy with you, and have a few words with your therapist before you go in,” he offered.

Wooseok wasn’t sure. He knew he needed help, but he couldn’t wrap his head around needing to fix more than just his temper. Was it really true? Was Seungwoo sure?

“Do people usually do that?” he asked. He didn’t know. He never went to therapy. Was this normal?

“Well, people are expected to go by themselves, but you seem to be in a stage to need a little push, as you aren’t too aware of everything that’s going on,” he said, “I’m not an expert, but when I was depressed my mom went with me on my first session and talked with the therapist first,” he said smiling.

“You were depressed?” he asked, unable to conceal the surprise in his voice. 

Seungwoo nodded, “Yes, I was, it’s nothing out of this world,” he said. For some reason, this made Wooseok’s stomach feel less sick. He felt a little relieved, even. It seemed as if Seungwoo had noticed because he continued assuring him, “I promise you, I’m not a professional so I don’t know what it is that you are going through, but depression or any other mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of,” he added, “Have you ever felt ashamed of having a cold?”

Wooseok shook his head, “Well, no.”

“It’s the same, but instead of being physical injure, it’s inside your mind,” he touched the side of Wooseok’s head once, “I’m not assuming anything, but please don’t be afraid.”

Wooseok felt overwhelmed. His internal debate was too much, but he was sure that he wanted to get better. 

“Can you really help me?” he asked.

Seungwoo smiled for the nth time that day, “Of course.”

* * *

  
  


Seungwoo contacted a therapist for him and booked a session. And as promised, he went with him the first time. After that, he started to attend by himself, with Seungwoo checking up on him every now and then.

It wasn’t easy. Not at all. 

He heard things he didn’t want to hear and had to come to terms with “problems” that in his opinion, weren’t such a big deal. 

Some days he felt at the top of the world, others he wanted to never see the light again, or sometimes he felt nothing in particular. 

But he was getting better, he could feel it.

He faced a lot of his issues. Issues he didn’t know were issues, even. His therapist had helped him a lot, but she always reminded him that he was the one doing the most. That he was the one fighting for himself. It was all his effort.

He confronted all his insecurities, his internalized homophobia (as his therapist had labeled, he didn’t even know that could be a thing), his fear of being outcasted by society for being gay, his constant dread of not being enough for anyone. He came to the conclusion that he wasn’t broken. He was a complete human being with flaws like any other, he was Kim Wooseok, and he was strong. 

It felt good. 

He talked about Seungyoun a lot, about missing him, about being in love with him to this day, about not deserving him. He told his therapist that he hurt Seungyoun deeply. That Seungyoun should never give him another chance.

She asked if he wanted another chance. He said _duh_ , but that he didn’t deserve it.

She said to work until he deserved another chance. Wooseok cried.

So that was what he was doing. He was working for himself first and foremost, but he was also becoming better to deserve Seungyoun again.

She had told him that before hurting Seungyoun, he had always deserved him, but it was true that Seungyoun deserved an apology, and that he should decide to forgive Wooseok or not. Wooseok felt like shit after leaving that session, but he knew it was true.

He knew now that pushing Seungyoun away was selfish, and it was not for the best for either of them. He failed at communicating and broke himself and Seungyoun in the process.

Well, he assumed that he did. Because he knew Seungyoun had loved him a lot, and if you love someone you’re bound to get hurt if they treat you like shit.

He felt like he would never feel completely fine until he apologized to Seungyoun for everything. He needed closure, but he mostly hoped it wasn’t the end for them.

Healing was a slow process. But he was getting there.

Seven months after he started therapy, he felt happy.

He loved himself, he found comfort in himself.

But something was missing, and Wooseok knew exactly what it was.

He had seen him a couple of times in the company, and he had tried his best to not be seen by him. He never had lunch in the community area, he just ate in the creative department by himself, sometimes Yohan and Hangyul would join him, but they didn’t have much time these days, as their debut seemed closer than ever. 

They noticed his change in demeanor, they told him he looked brighter the last couple of months. Wooseok beamed.

He felt ready.

* * *

  
  


He wasn’t ready, he was going to shit himself.

He was going to need an adult diaper going into this. He didn’t think Seungyoun would appreciate that though.

He felt as if he couldn’t just approach Seungyoun out of nowhere, so his best bet was to text him. But there was one problem… Seungyoun had him blocked.

So, Seungwoo it was.

He felt like he owed so much to Seungwoo. For caring for him, for checking on him, for being the one to give Wooseok the push he needed. If Seungwoo hadn’t gone to his house that day, who knows what would’ve happened? However, he didn’t want to think about possibilities, he liked living in the present. His present. 

They got a lot closer after that, but there was still that thing that they didn’t talk about, and that was his and Seungyoun’s relationship.

Seungwoo was Seungyoun’s friend before Wooseok’s. Or well, that was before, Seungwoo had assured Wooseok that he was never going to pick sides, he loved them both. But Wooseok knew that he expected him to fix things with Seungyoun. To apologize.

And that was what he intended to do.

He knocked on Seungwoo’s door at his studio, and the other boy yelled ‘come in’ from the inside. 

He pushed the door open, “Hi Hyung, it’s me-,” he stopped on his tracks when he saw _him_ there. 

Seungyoun looked at him like he had seen a ghost, and Wooseok felt like vomiting his whole lunch and dinner, _“Oh,”_ he let out. Seungwoo looked at him, then at Seungyoun, then at him again, then back at Seungyoun. 

“Fuck,” he said. Wooseok mentally agreed. 

He couldn’t move, and it seemed like Seungyoun couldn’t either.

After what felt like an eternity, he got it together and spoke.

“Well, it seems like you’re busy, Hyung, so I’m coming back later,” he said and hurried to get out. 

“Wait,” he heard from behind. That voice he had only heard in the distance as he walked down the corridors of the company, never directed at him. Not since he told him he was leaving that day. 

Fuck, Wooseok wasn’t ready for this. The emotions he was feeling were too many at the same time, he got a little dizzy, “Don’t worry, I was leaving already,” said Seungyoun.

Oh. So that was it. 

Okay. It was better than getting yelled at. Wooseok’s chest tightened anyways.

He heard the chair moving and turned around, he got out of the way to make sure Seungyoun wouldn’t brush past him when getting out.

“Bye Hyung, see you later,” he said. And walked past Wooseok without sparing him a glance. 

When the door closed, Wooseok’s knees gave out. 

Seungwoo rushed to him, “Woah, Wooseok, are you okay?” he asked, concerned. Wooseok started to laugh. 

“That was fucking hilarious wasn’t it,” he said, chuckling, “A scene worthy of a comedy movie,” he brushed a tear away. 

“Uh, not sure if comedy is the genre I would classify this as,” said Seungwoo, helping Wooseok to get up. 

“Well I would,” he said, smiling at Seungwoo. He must look insane right now. 

“Do you want to talk about what just happened or…?” asked Seungwoo, always making sure if Wooseok was comfortable before saying anything. 

“Yeah, and no, kind of?” he said, “I came here to talk about him,” he explained. Seungwoo made a noise of understanding, “This was funny to me because I wanted to ask for your help to talk to him again, and then I come here and the dude is sitting in your chair,” he said, giggling, “But yeah, I still need help because he completely ignored me when he left. As he should,” Seungwoo frowned, “Wait, don’t give me that look, I mean, I hurt him, it’s expected to get ignored,” he explained. Seungwoo still shook his head but left it at that.

“What do you need?”

“Can you ask Seungyoun to agree to talk to me?” 

Seungwoo smiled a bit, “I can,” he said. Wooseok felt as if his sentence wasn’t finished.

“But?” he pushed.

“But he can still say no,” he added, a sad smile on his lips. Wooseok smiled back.

“I’m aware,” he agreed, “I still want you to try, though. I know that if I approach him out of nowhere it’s gonna be too much for him,” he explained.

Seungwoo patted his head, “You’re so different now, huh” Wooseok blushed. 

“Stop treating me like I’m your younger brother,” he protested, “Or worse, your son.”

Seungwoo snorted, “Oh! But you are!” he ruffled his hair further. Wooseok felt humiliated.

“Please just… Seungyoun.”

“Yeah I will Seungyoun,” said Seungwoo, “Now get out, I have work unlike you,” he grabbed Wooseok by the shoulders and pushed him out of his office before he could protest, “I’ll text you once I talk to him, I bet he’s gonna give me shit for being close to you or something petty like that. He never got over you, you know?” hearing that, Wooseok’s heart rate accelerated. Seungwoo closed the door in his face, he could hear the laughter coming from inside. 

Whatever. 

During his lunch break, he got a text.

**From: Seungwoo hyung [13:10]**

**_He told me I was a traitor_ **

**_He also said you looked pretty. I agreed and he punched me :/_ **

**_And he said that if you want to talk you know were he studio is. He is free after 7pm_ **

His heart dropped out of his ass.

He spent the whole day thinking about what he was going to say to him. There was a lot they needed to talk about, he knew that much. He owed Seungyoun an explanation as well as an apology. But he also wanted to make sure that Seungyoun actually wanted to know what happened. Maybe he didn’t care to know, and that would be fine.

At 6:58, he got up from his chair and walked toward Seungyoun’s studio. 

As he walked towards his studio, he felt his hands getting clammy with sweat and his heart rate accelerating, even if he already saw him earlier this was different, this was a one on one encounter where he was going to tell Seungyoun everything. He was nervous about the response the other was going to give him, and even more nervous thinking about where they would stand after the whole thing ended.

Lost in thoughts, he didn’t notice he was getting close until he was already in front of Seungyoun’s studio. 

He looked at the time. 7:04 pm.

As he was about to knock, the door suddenly opened, surprising him and making him stumble backwards. He closed his eyes tightly, expecting to fall, but then someone grabbed him by the wrist. 

He knew who it was. 

When he opened his eyes, he was met with Seungyoun’s concerned gaze. He felt like passing out. 

Instead, he regained composure as fast as he could and muttered a quick apology.

“Woah, there,” said Seungyoun, laughing awkwardly, “That was close.”

Wooseok nodded slowly, “Yeah,” he said. They stood there for a bit, the mood uncomfortable for both of them. It was not going as planned, he thought to himself. Not like he had a plan but, this was still not in any of the different scenarios he pictured in his head.

As Wooseok couldn’t bear the awkwardness anymore, he spoke, “So, uh, can I come in?”

Seungyoun nodded a few times and moved out of the way to let Wooseok in. So he went in.

He didn’t have time to look around, too preoccupied thinking about what was about to happen. 

It felt weird, to be so uncomfortable around the one person that once made him feel the most comfortable. Being around Seungyoun had always felt like being at home, this weird atmosphere was unwelcomed by his mind and his heart. 

Behind him, Seungyoun cleared his throat, “You wanted to talk, yeah?” he asked. Wooseok bit his lip and nodded, “About?”

Wooseok raised both eyebrows. So it was going to be like this. He had no room to complain about Seungyoun’s attitude though because he was the one that created this huge gap between them, so he needed to endure this, Seungyoun was only protecting himself.

“I owe you an apology,” he said. Seungyoun nodded, walking towards his ‘nerd chair’ as Wooseok always called it. He sat down and pointed at the couch behind Wooseok.

“Sit down, make yourself comfortable,” he said. He was only being polite, there was no way that either of them was going to feel comfortable talking about this.

“Thanks,” said Wooseok, sitting down. He was not sure what he was thanking him for. Many things probably.

“No problem,” Seungyoun was playing with the end of his hoodie, looking directly at him. Wooseok felt as if he was being analyzed. He looked at him expectantly.

“Yeah, so,” he took a deep breath, “I’m sorry, Seungyoun,” he held his gaze, “I’m sorry for treating you so badly, for ignoring your texts, for running away from you. I’m sorry for yelling at you, for snapping at you so many times. I’m sorry for invalidating your feelings, I’m sorry for calling you pathetic,” Wooseok caught the movement of Seungyoun’s hands, trembling, “But most importantly I’m sorry for saying I didn’t feel your love because I did. I felt it so deep in my heart, I felt it all over. I know you loved me, I knew it then and I know it now. You always made me feel loved, and I ruined it all. I’m sorry for hurting you and pushing you away, you didn’t deserve it, it is all my fault.”

Wooseok felt his insides crawl.

“What I did was wrong on so many levels, there is no excuse for anything that I did. I’m here to tell you that I’m sorry, that I regret it all, because I loved you so much, with all my heart. I was wrong, what I did was unacceptable, and I’m so sorry that I ruined what we had,” he held his tears in, he didn’t want to make the other pity him in a situation where he was at fault, “You were always amazing to me, nothing was your fault. Only mine. Again, I’m sorry. There’s nothing I regret more in my life that saying all of that to you that day,” he finished. His chest felt compressed.

Seungyoun hummed, “Why?” he asked. 

“What?” asked Wooseok, confused about what he meant.

“Why did you do it?” he sighed, “And I want the whole truth, please,” his voice was calm, but Wooseok could grasp the desperation in it, “Please tell me what went through your mind at that time, I need to know why you did all that just to push me away.”

Wooseok didn’t show it, but this question made him feel _so_ relieved. Seungyoun cared to know. He wanted to know what Wooseok went through.

“Uh, it was a lot,” he stated, “I didn’t know what was going on with me, but I was not myself anymore. You noticed that I was acting strange, but I thought it was just me being flawed.”

Seungyoun frowned.

“It felt as if I was not enough for you, because I felt empty. I didn’t feel happy anymore, and I didn’t want to drag you along with me when you could do so much better without me, you deserved someone that was happy by your side, you know?” Seungyoun seemed to want to speak, but Wooseok continued, “It was all that pent up insecurity that drove me to the edge. I had never addressed any of my issues as such, I thought it was all part of my flawed personality, something I couldn’t fix,” he sighed, “I was too insecure to be with you I guess, but I didn’t know that. At the time the only solution I could come up with was to make you hate me as much as I hated myself,” he confessed, like he once told Seungwoo. Seungyoun’s eyes were filled with sadness, Wooseok wanted to hug him, “I started therapy after we broke up, thanks to Seungwoo Hyung.”

Seungyoun nodded, urging him to continue.

“So, I started to get better. I am better now, I promise,” he gave the other a little smile, “I realized that I wasn’t flawed, and I worked on my insecurities. I’m not a hundred percent happy, nor am I perfect, I still have insecurities and I get uneasy sometimes, but now it’s all under control,” he waved his hand, “I was able to reflect on how much I fucked up with you. I always knew what I did was wrong, but now I understand just how much of an asshole I was to you when you didn’t deserve it. It was selfish.”

“I had a lot of time to think about what I would tell you if you let me,” he confessed, fidgeting with his sleeves, “But I feel like I’m not being able to put everything into words now that I’m here,” he laughed a bit, nervous.

“That’s okay,” said Seungyoun, “It’s enough,” he added. Wooseok let out a little ‘oh?’, widening his eyes, “Thanks for explaining everything to me. Now, can I tell you how I felt?” he asked. Wooseok nodded a few times repeatedly.

Seungyoun seemed to breathe deeply, leaning a bit towards him.

“You broke me,” he said. Wooseok felt all the blood leave his face, “You truly did, Wooseok. Your words hurt me so much, as you intended. It worked,” he paused, “Well, almost. I wasn’t able to hate you,” he smiled, it was not a happy smile though. It tugged at his heart, “But you hurt me so much, you made me wonder ‘Why? Why did he do this to me?’, I asked myself every night for months if I did something wrong,

“I know I didn’t, by the way. I know that now, but back then, it really left me wondering if I was the one that fucked up. Because I held you so high up a pedestal, you were perfect in my eyes, it was impossible for you to be the one at fault. Accepting that you weren’t perfect was hard, and it was harder to accept that nothing was my fault,” Wooseok felt his hands shaking, “I resented you for a long time too, once I realized it was not on me. I also resented myself because even if I tried, I couldn’t hate you. I made up so many excuses in my head for the way you behaved,” he smiled, “I’m glad to hear you didn’t do it out of malice, even if you hurt me I knew that it wasn’t possible.”

Wooseok felt so many emotions at once, after hearing how much he hurt Seungyoun he felt like he didn’t deserve him anymore, but hearing him say he couldn’t hate him gave him some hope.

“If you’re wondering,” started Seungyoun, “I forgive you, Wooseok.”

Wooseok felt so happy he could cry, “Thank you,” he said, in a small voice. 

“And I still love you, you know?” his heart stopped, “I never stopped loving you. I wish Seungwoo would’ve told me what you were going through, and I wish I hadn’t just left that d-”

“No, no, Seungyoun, stop” he interrupted him, “I hurt you so much, please, don’t say that. I needed to get better before even thinking of being by your side again,” he said. Seungyoun raised his eyebrows, “I mean, not like that, I bet you don’t want to get back together with me so, there’s n-”

“No, now you stop,” said the other, “Are you assuming things again?”

“Huh?”

“What makes you think I wouldn’t want to get back with you?” he asked. Wooseok’s heart felt like it was going to explode. Did this mean…?

“You want to?”

“Did you miss the part where I said I still love you?” he asked, “Of course I want to get back together,” he said as if was the most obvious thing in the world. Well, I wasn’t to Wooseok.

“But, I fucked everything up,” he protested.

“So you don’t want to date me again?” asked the other. He seemed to be joking, but Wooseok knew Seungyoun too well, and he was asking to make sure.

“I do!” he raised his voice a little, sounding more enthusiastic than he intended, “But I also know we stand in a, uh, very awkward place right now.”

“I never said it was going to be something easy, of course, we can’t start dating immediately,” Wooseok nodded, “We have a lot more to talk about, we have things to work on, there is _a lot_ to fix,” said Seungyoun. He agreed with that. 

“This is a lot,” he said, voice coming out a little shaky, “I never expected you to want me back.”

“You are the love of my life, Wooseok,” he said. It sounded so earnest, so sincere, Wooseok couldn’t help it out his hands on his face and break down into tears then and there, “Oh shit,” said Seungyoun. Then, he felt two strong and warm arms enveloping him. 

The feeling of comfort and security invaded his whole being. He had wanted to hug Seungyoun from the moment he saw him again, but he didn’t dare to approach him first, so the fact that Seungyoun took it upon himself to hug Wooseok made him cry even harder. He heard Seungyoun curse more, so he snorted between sobs. This felt like home.

As much as he didn’t want to get away from Seungyoun’s embrace, he needed to get it together, this was not the time to have a breakdown. So took some deep breathes to stop sobbing, and leaned back. 

Seungyoun sighed in relief and let his arms fall on top of Wooseok’s legs, keeping the physical contact between them, keeping them close. 

“You’re the love of my life too,” he breathed out, teary eyes and voice hoarse. After hearing that, Seungyoun gave him the brightest smile yet and leaned in to squish him with a hug.

In the past, when Seungyoun would give him these bone-crushing hugs, he would complain, he would say he was too delicate to be treated with such brute force, but now, after being deprived of hugging the love of his life for so long, he happily accepted it and hugged him back as tight as he could. He felt the warmth spreading from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He sighed, happy, content. 

He felt Seungyoun putting his nose on the side of Wooseok’s neck and breathing in. 

“I feel like I’m gonna get an emotion boner or something,” mumbled Seungyoun, head still buried on his neck. At that, Wooseok pushed him away.

“You- hey!” he was at a loss for words. Seungyoun started laughing, both hands on top of Wooseok’s shoulders, “We were having a deep conversation minutes ago,” he complained. 

“Am I going too fast?” he asked.

Wooseok blushed, “I don’t know?” he said, confused, “I’m confused. I didn’t think you would want to joke around with me yet?”

Seungyoun gave him a soft smile and squeezed his shoulders, “I know it’s not going to be easy, and it’s going to take a while to get back to normal, but please don’t feel so burdened. I forgave you already, so please forgive yourself, yeah?”

He cried again.

* * *

It was a slow process, getting back together. Especially when they had so much to fix.

They talked a lot, they texted daily (Seungyoun had unblocked him), they met after their work hours were over, yet they still weren’t official again.

They didn’t hang out in the community area of the company, or where others could see them. The only one who knew they were trying again was Seungwoo, because of obvious reasons.

But no one else knew, they felt like they needed to resolve all their issues first before letting anyone else know, because they didn’t know what could happen, and this was a private matter between both of them.

They hadn’t even kissed yet, and Wooseok was dying to do it, but things like that could wait. He could wait years if it meant his relationship with Seungyoun became a healthier one.

A month after they had that first talk, they were hanging out at Seungyoun’s place, they had watched a movie, and were chilling on the couch after finishing it. Wooseok was telling Seungyoun about the SFX makeup on the movie, that he really liked all the details, and how it showed the amount of effort they put into it. He was there, rambling about it when suddenly Seungyoun was all up in his personal space, face inches away from his.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered. Wooseok was confused, but he slowly nodded. Seungyoun smiled big, and then went in.

The first touch of their lips felt hesitant, after all, long time had passed since they last kissed, weeks before they broke up. Wooseok let out a shaky breath against Seungyoun’s lips and pressed with more confidence. With that little push, Seungyoun felt more confident too, kissing him for real, deeper.

It wasn’t just a kiss, it felt like more than that. They were kissing desperately, trying to put all their emotions into it. Their lips worked together sloppily, but full of intent.

Wooseok felt his pulse accelerating when Seungyoun slid his hands up his torso, pushing him down against the couch, tangling their legs together in the process. Wooseok wrapped his arms around Seungyoun’s neck, pulling him in, closer.

It was nothing sexual, it was full of yearning, the need to touch, to feel, to grasp everything they could from the other.

They kissed, and touched, and felt.

They stayed like that until they got tired, after a while they just kept giving each other soft pecks. Seungyoun was casually kissing the side of Wooseok’s neck, little pecks, he was mostly just nuzzling at it, with a hand below his t-shirt, caressing his tummy. It ticked a little.

He looked down, Seungyoun sensed the movement and turned his head to look at him, smiling. Wooseok smiled back.

“Wanna be my boyfriend?” asked Seungyoun. Wooseok’s eyes widened in surprise, but he simply nodded.

“Yeah, I do,” he replied. Seungyoun beamed and planted a wet and sloppy kiss on his lips, tickling his sides. Wooseok giggled and begged for mercy as the other kept leaving wet kissed all over his face.

He felt happy. Happy for real.

They had a lot to work on, but he was certain that this time around, it was going to be okay.

  
  


* * *

“So, you’re back together?” asked Hangyul, food half-chewed still in his mouth. Yohan stopped playing with his phone and looked up, suddenly interested in the conversation.

“Yeah,” said Wooseok from where he was sitting on Seungyoun’s lap.

They were all in the makeup and styling area during their lunch break, Wooseok and Seungyoun having already eaten. 

“Figured,” said Hangyul after swallowing his food.

“I wonder what gave you that impression,” said Seungyoun, his voice coming out muffled from the side of Wooseok’s neck. He had gotten that as a new habit of his, just nuzzling Wooseok’s neck whenever he could.

Yohan gagged, “You two are disgusting,” he said. Hangyul snorted.

“You are saying that because you still have a crush on Wooseok Hyung,” at that, Seungyoun’s head snapped up.

“A crush on who?” he asked. Wooseok bit back a snort. Yohan’s face drained of all color, and he quickly denied it.

“No, no, Hyung, that’s a lie, please,” he said, desperate. Wooseok smirked.

“Well, you did use to have a crush on me,” he said, feigning disinterest. Seungyoun huffed.

“Oh yeah?” he asked. Hangyul was trying (and failing) not to laugh. Wooseok got the sentiment.

“Hyung, I promise you, it was just a teenage crush, nothing to worry about,” he assured, “I don’t like Wooseok Hyung anymore!”

“Yeah? You don’t?” he pressed, “How can I believe you, huh? You spend a lot of time around him, I bet is not easy to get over a crush if you see him every day,” he insisted. Yohan looked as if he was going to piss his pants.

“I- I- swear!” he seemed to contemplate something and then, “I like Seungwoo Hyung!”

“What?”

Their heads snapped in the direction of the door and… There was Seungwoo. Standing there, lunch in hand, shock on his face.

Hangyul choked on his food laughing. Yohan started crying.

It was beautiful. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos appreciated <3
> 
> You can follow me on @[ourvicton](https://twitter.com/ourvicton) if you'd like <3


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